Of Self-Loving and Self-Loathing


I don’t think it’s a secret that I am a huuuge fan of Muse, and that I love everything about them especially the lyrics (and the drummer Dom ♥). Dead Star is one of my favourites – the “Tired Of Fighting Yourself” really resonates me, even if in a different context.

My Past: Self-Loathing

For most of my life I fought being different. I never fit quite in at home in Germany, because I was too outspoken about topics that were considered taboo. I would get along with boys better than with girls, better with older people than with my own year – and so of course rumours about THAT were flying too. And then there’s my colourful family that I got bullied for (I grew up in a small town and my family is quite prolific so people knew like everything that went down in my family) and then of course there was me, the loud, misfit midget.

I would come home a lot days skipping classes just hiding in my room, and finding friends around the world who didn’t know ANYTHING about me. I hate myself in so many different ways, hiding away from the physical, real world into a world of IRC and people from Sweden, the US, and wherever else I could find people who’s let me practice my English (so I could get away).

My Present: Self-Love

Only until I came to the UK 9 years ago, I never felt at home. Standing on the escalators 10 min after landing in the UK I knew I was at home here. Or so I thought.

But over the years, where I’ve come more and more to accept and even embrace and be proud of my colourful background (most of it is in my ‘about’ btw if you’re curious) and my being weird. Now I love it. Now I am proud of it, that I’m different, that I always got something to tell, even if most of it was painful to live through. It’s who I am and I am and should be proud of it. Which is everything anyone ever tells you. The key to happiness is love, especially self-love (because “how can you love someone else and trust their love in you if you don’t love yourself?”)

My Future: ?

But the more I’m myself and embrace me – the more issues I face with people beginning to not like that. Which starts that cycle all over again.

I refused to feel bad about my being different. I refuse to be publicly shamed for addressing things that most wouldn’t think saying out loud. I’m proud that I’m one of the few who break some boundaries – even when it causes me pain – because might just remove those boundaries for others. It might make me lonely, and it might make me hurt when people reject me for who I am, but whatever puzzle I’m becoming, I love every piece as awkward and weird and quirky and unusual and edgy as it might be!

♥ auf deutsch ♥


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