The last few weeks I’ve been battling with illness and depression, which is so hard. If you’ve ever suffered from depression you’ll know that it is so paralysing. You can’t move, you can’t think straight, you can’t make sense of the world around you. Seeing the silver lining isn’t even an option because there’s no choice. When you suffer from depression, it doesn’t need any trigger, it just catches you off-guard and no one canreally help you because it’s all in your head. But telling yourself that it’s just in your head doesn’t make the voices and feelings go away.
Crawling out of that hole is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I’m still crawling. It feels like I’ve dropped into a well and I’m struggling to crawl up the walls. Screaming for help doesn’t help. I know I need to do this on my own. So I crawl. And my fingers slip and I have to start all over. The easiest thing can throw you back into the deep end.
The amount of times I’ve had to pull myself out of that hole. You think that makes the next time easier to deal with. But it doesn’t. Instead all the new stuff AND the old stuff comes back and hits you in the face.
It ruthlessly makes you doubt everything you are, everything you’ve done. Every single decision that you’ve taken to be where you are, regardless of how minor the decision was. You question it all. And then you question the plan that you’ve got in your head where you want to go, the path that you’re on.
I wish I could’ve brought you a happier post, but this just needed to be… I just needed to air how I feel.