When I look at fashion bloggers’ outfit posts I always feel like crying because I’m not just skin and bones and I don’t have a million miles long legs. I just never feel like I fit in. I’m super disproportional, my legs and arms being too short, my upper body too long and my forehead and head in general just being too big for the rest of my body. My hair is not long enough. I have short, stubby legs with nobly knees and way too fat calves (and I know I do, ’cause it’s super uber rare for me to find boots that zip up) I just feel fugly.

You know when you put on some clothes and you think ‘yes, I like this, I feel confident and good looking’ and then you look at pictures and you’re like WHAT THE F*CK WAS I THINKING?! That. That’s me every time I look at pictures of myself.

I wish I could be skinnier. Like about a stone lighter. And I’ve trying my best to do the 5:2 diet combined with the 30 day shred, but I think even if I lost the weight that I want to lose, I still would never look at myself the way I look at other girls, mainly because I feel like a little, hideous bumble bee compared to them.

I’m sorry that I don’t have happy thoughts to share at the moment, but I guess I just wanna be honest with you guys. This is how I feel and I think sharing this sometimes really helps or at least so I hope. I’m sorry for being such a buzz kill.

On a positive note, I’ve finally learnt how to curl my hair with straighteners! Hurrah. Small victories.

The last few weeks I’ve been battling with illness and depression, which is so hard. If you’ve ever suffered from depression you’ll know that it is so paralysing. You can’t move, you can’t think straight, you can’t make sense of the world around you. Seeing the silver lining isn’t even an option because there’s no choice. When you suffer from depression, it doesn’t need any trigger, it just catches you off-guard and no one canreally help you because it’s all in your head. But telling yourself that it’s just in your head doesn’t make the voices and feelings go away.

Crawling out of that hole is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I’m still crawling. It feels like I’ve dropped into a well and I’m struggling to crawl up the walls. Screaming for help doesn’t help. I know I need to do this on my own. So I crawl. And my fingers slip and I have to start all over. The easiest thing can throw you back into the deep end.

The amount of times I’ve had to pull myself out of that hole. You think that makes the next time easier to deal with. But it doesn’t. Instead all the new stuff AND the old stuff comes back and hits you in the face.

It ruthlessly makes you doubt everything you are, everything you’ve done. Every single decision that you’ve taken to be where you are, regardless of how minor the decision was. You question it all. And then you question the plan that you’ve got in your head where you want to go, the path that you’re on.

I wish I could’ve brought you a happier post, but this just needed to be… I just needed to air how I feel.